Why study?

Dear non-existent readers, I apologize for the extended hiatus in blogging, even as my blog is a fledgling. I guess my engine died before my plane took off.

I have decided to add a 4th point to my blogs: 4) My "answer," or working hypothesis to the question I raise. It is insane to be in front of life without a hypothesis. Please offer corrections or scathing castigations of my hypothesises.

So, here goes nothing (for that is what this blog sometimes seems).

1) Before this semester, I have never before had to worry about motivation for studying, for two reasons. Number 1 is that I always fought personal demons of perfectionism. If someone took a poll of my subconscious in high school, it would be unanimous victory for "be all you can be" or "actualize all your potential" or something similar. I wasn't motivated by competition with others, but rather a sort of internal conviction that hell, I could get straight As, so why settle for less? Number 2 is that I have always been interested in everything I have studied, more or less. I think the only subject that I really found completely boring was Economics.

But nowadays things are changing. For the first time in my life, it seems heroically worthless to finish homework. I cannot stick to my schedules, and work is actually work. Not that classes weren't hard before-- now I just lack the motivation.

2) Something is obviously wrong. My heart rebels against the slothy indifference that follows in wake of disillusionment with study.

It is a problem of interest. I am unable to study something uninteresting. Ostensibly I say that everything is interesting, but my heart and my actions tell otherwise. Too little moves me in reality. Even when I know my purpose for studying, my why, this why is useless motivation-wise if it lacks any existential correspondence to desire. I cannot study because I do not know what moves me.

3) The relavent questions then are these:
What real desires do I have that possibly correspond to study?
What purpose for study corresponds to my real desire?
In other words, how does studying make me happy?
How can I remind myself of the answers to the above on a daily basis, so that life is not reduced to anticipation of future happiness?

4) Since I am still in school, I must muster a response, a working hypothesis.
I think that any of the deepest, most original desires of my heart have the potential to correspond to my study. The hard part is avoiding theoretical abstractions of my desire to focus on experientially verified desires (real ones). Here are some: my desire to love, for love, for happiness, for honesty, for the extraordinary, for freedom, for a full and true life.

It seems that one purpose for study could be to clarify these original desires. This works with humanistic studies that show "what it means to be human," or what it means to be myself. Then the purpose becomes a sort of searching for what truly fulfills these desires. From my own life thusfar, it seems that only an Infinite Answer fulfills these infinite desires, but the Answer must be incarnate and real in my life, which seems complicated, though not impossible. Furthermore, the Answer must meet me, because I don't know what the hell I am doing, basically. I am still learning how the Answer meets me concretely in my life, but I suspect it has to do with community. For in a community based on God (might as well name Him), I can hopefully love, be loved, be happy, be honest with others/myself, experience the extradordinary, be free, and truly live. If I have already discovered by being educated that the Answer resides in a community based on God, then why do I still study? Perhaps to perfect my knowledge of how I can pursue the fulfillment of these desires. For example, further study can help me know how to love others better, or it can develop my understanding of what it means to be honest or to be free (or how to be honest or free). I study to be able to better serve the community, where the Answer to my desires is. If my desires are ever realized, then I suppose it would be time to stop studying and start teaching.

Studying makes me happy by articulating the core of my humanness with all its desire, disposing me to the Answer that must meet me concretely, probably through a community based on God. Studying furthers my happiness by perfecting my service to this community (or to a larger community) and my understanding of how I can best live my life so as to be happy.

The last question is the toughest, because it pressupposes all the others and because it is intimately tied up in motivation, which demands tangible motivation each day. How do I know every day that studying can make me happy? I must go to the source--my person and my desire. I must continually remind myself of who I am by doing real things, having real experiences that provoke my desire and paint a portait of my identity. I only know who I am by watching myself in action, and if I don't act who am I? Learning must start with experience because experience engages my "I," my person with all its desires. So I can only stay motivated if I embrace every moment of life with a vivacious search for every nook and cranny of my humanness.

Note: I have not adressed the whole study for job criterion because I think it inadequate. If someone wants to make a case for it, please do. I could probably buy some of it if it invovled something about providing for a family...