Hello, abandoned readers. If you have had enough of my sporadic gropings in the dark, check out my blog about Ireland!
http://vicariouspatrick.blogspot.com/
It is likely that the "What does it all mean?" website will change or be discontinued in the future.
Patrick
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Why dream?
Hello and welcome back to my historically sporadic blog, unfortunately conducted too much like my life. If I had to predict my future self at the moment, I would say that I will likely only blog when life experience provokes me to ask an important why question to which I may not be sure of the ever elusive, always mysterious, somewhere substantive Answer, though I am doubtlessly bound to have some hypothesis that I - despite my best efforts - will likely bombastically proclaim as the definitive Solution to every related problem (and every problem is related).
1) So lately I have been dreaming about dreaming. This new topic has been mostly provoked by two events. The first was my brother's graduation from high school. As usual, the top 2 graduates gave speeches about the power of dreams and of making one's dreams reality. This reminded me of my own speech at my own h.s. graduation. At that time I spoke in genuine admiration for my classmates' dreams as having amazing potential for my classmates and our future in the real world, while simultaneously preaching my hypothesis that our fullest potential is had in knowing in loving God, the "fundamental Answer to all the whys."
The second occasion for thought was today when I watched Man of La Mancha (about Don Quixote) with my father. Without going to much into the details of the movie, I will say that it basically proposes the following: life-as-it-is (realism, in one sense) is a crime, whereas living in a dream-state of life-as-it-should-be (idealism, in one sense) is where the only true freedom is to be found, however deviant from what seem to be the facts.
2) I judge that the dream is very powerful and telling about the stuff that makes up our heart. When we cannot perceive satisfaction in the stuff that our senses send us, something in us cries out for more. Our heart desires goodness, and so we dream of a wonderful world or environment which matches our expectation. Even more so, our heart desires meaning, and so we dream of a world where we have an important niche, a role, an indentity. Those of us who think service relates to life's meaning dream of futures where we will be heroes of service. The less correspondence we see in reality to what we want deep in our hearts, the more we create dreams to compensate. We think, one day I will be happy; or in my dream I am king, or servant, or prophet, or... you pick it.
There is another important aspect of the dream, and that is its effect on us. Appealing to the idealism of the dream actually does inspire us. It makes us want to get up and find our destiny. This is so if others make the appeal in our presence (think Dead Poet's Society - "Only in our dreams can we truly be free, twas always thus, and always thus will be," Mr. Keating), but also if we create a dream ourselves. We sit down (when we are in a good mood) and think of how our life should be lived (the origin of ethics?) according to our desires for meaning, goodness, beauty, justice, etc; and what forms spurs us on to action. This is so because the dream is a projection of the perceived answer to our deepest desires. The dream is intimately tied to our desire. But after a few years we learn that what will really fulfill these desires is so impossible that it is beyond the reach of our imagination. Whatever we imagine and name as our happiness, as our fulfillment, is never enough. True realization is always beyond our wildest imagination. And so the tendency is to slowly start to despair. We are usually too futile to achieve our dreams, and even when we do achieve them, we end up dreaming of something else, betraying our dissatisfaction. Thus, we can never think hard enough to even imagine our perfection.
However, the realization of our ultimate incompetence (- and I know at this point there are several very smart people shaking their heads at me and saying that I have "learned helplessness syndrome" - by all means make your case, for I too often sin against freedom; but do finish reading first -) does not make our heart go away. Our heart itself is part of "reality," which is the most curious of situations we could have in the whole appearance/reality debate. And so we are left hanging. If what we perceive is all there is, we are doomed to despair. But if what we imagine is not real, hollow, or unsatisfactory, we are also doomed to despair. Catch-22?
3) Is there more than what we perceive?
Is the fulfillment of the dream-causing desires present in what is real?
Can we stop dreaming?
Why dream?
4) So I am sorry if I've set myself up too smoothly for my hypothesis; I need to work on being more circumspect, because I often miss things. Therefore please send in your comments! Anyway, so in answer to these questions:
I currently think that the answer to the first question is yes on two levels. For one, we are always growing in what we perceive as we mature through life. Anyone who has ever taken a science course will agree that there is more to our daily experience than is immediately apparent to a babe. Those who have taken organic chemistry will agree even more heartily. Therefore, it is reasonable to suggest that perhaps the answer to our desire actually is here "in reality," but our perception is just too limited to comprehend it. I think that we live smothered by Mystery, where there is so much meaning, so much goodness, so much beauty that we miss it for the smallness of our eyes and brain. Our heart remotely senses it, though, but only in a confused sort of way. And on the second level, yes there is more than even the limits of what is knowable by limited human empiricism and even magnificent reasoning. Hence, the afterlife and immortality. But even before these, I think this 'being left hanging' suggests a transcendent world that is really real. I think that this transcendent world, the home of Infinite Mystery, is also imminent. Hence we are smothered by even more Mystery. But lets not rule out life on another planet because our telescopes are too small.
If there exists an infinite, transcendent Answer that is imminent in what we experience as reality, than yes, to some degree, we can have fulfillment here. But the "reality" is not what ultimately satisfies us; only that which is "really real" and tied to our reality is what fully satisfies us. And in my experience, such satisfaction is extremely temporary here. Such short-livedness is to be expect from an Answer that isn't itself a shackled member of the space-time continuum. Rather, the space time continuum touches the Answer, springs from the Answer. Anyway now I'm getting too metaphysical. Hume would have my butt.
We can only stop dreaming if we become intimately one with what we desire, if we have a regular relationship with the Answer. Because of our individual forgetful hearts, I think that this is only possible in a context of a community that all recognize a common Answer (i.e. God). Someone might suggest despair as an end to dreaming; but I say that even the one who despairs dreams of fulfillment in accepting not being fulfilled (for this is indeed not a possible reality), or else (God forbid) dreams of the end in suicide.
Why dream, then? We dream because our hearts need something great. We should continue to dream because it excites us to positive action and helpful application of our freedom. But as we do so we should remember that such dreams are quite likely fairly distant from reality, and at times may be doing more harm than good (though they say God brings good from evil!). Some dreams might be downright impossible and lead to tragic ends (see Dead Poet's Society). Dreams, the outcome of our natural hope, can easily become tragic when divorced from truth. That is why we should have a nobler reason for dreaming and dealing with dreams. It would be to our advantage if we saw in our dreams our own hearts, so that we might recognize any Answer to those hearts that does not come from our own imagination, but from Something that we cannot deny is true. That is, we have to dream; and we should be conscious of these dreams so that when the Mystery that presently smothers us offers us its benevolent Answer, in a Form that we cannot deny, we will welcome It as the true Sibling to our desiring hearts.
1) So lately I have been dreaming about dreaming. This new topic has been mostly provoked by two events. The first was my brother's graduation from high school. As usual, the top 2 graduates gave speeches about the power of dreams and of making one's dreams reality. This reminded me of my own speech at my own h.s. graduation. At that time I spoke in genuine admiration for my classmates' dreams as having amazing potential for my classmates and our future in the real world, while simultaneously preaching my hypothesis that our fullest potential is had in knowing in loving God, the "fundamental Answer to all the whys."
The second occasion for thought was today when I watched Man of La Mancha (about Don Quixote) with my father. Without going to much into the details of the movie, I will say that it basically proposes the following: life-as-it-is (realism, in one sense) is a crime, whereas living in a dream-state of life-as-it-should-be (idealism, in one sense) is where the only true freedom is to be found, however deviant from what seem to be the facts.
2) I judge that the dream is very powerful and telling about the stuff that makes up our heart. When we cannot perceive satisfaction in the stuff that our senses send us, something in us cries out for more. Our heart desires goodness, and so we dream of a wonderful world or environment which matches our expectation. Even more so, our heart desires meaning, and so we dream of a world where we have an important niche, a role, an indentity. Those of us who think service relates to life's meaning dream of futures where we will be heroes of service. The less correspondence we see in reality to what we want deep in our hearts, the more we create dreams to compensate. We think, one day I will be happy; or in my dream I am king, or servant, or prophet, or... you pick it.
There is another important aspect of the dream, and that is its effect on us. Appealing to the idealism of the dream actually does inspire us. It makes us want to get up and find our destiny. This is so if others make the appeal in our presence (think Dead Poet's Society - "Only in our dreams can we truly be free, twas always thus, and always thus will be," Mr. Keating), but also if we create a dream ourselves. We sit down (when we are in a good mood) and think of how our life should be lived (the origin of ethics?) according to our desires for meaning, goodness, beauty, justice, etc; and what forms spurs us on to action. This is so because the dream is a projection of the perceived answer to our deepest desires. The dream is intimately tied to our desire. But after a few years we learn that what will really fulfill these desires is so impossible that it is beyond the reach of our imagination. Whatever we imagine and name as our happiness, as our fulfillment, is never enough. True realization is always beyond our wildest imagination. And so the tendency is to slowly start to despair. We are usually too futile to achieve our dreams, and even when we do achieve them, we end up dreaming of something else, betraying our dissatisfaction. Thus, we can never think hard enough to even imagine our perfection.
However, the realization of our ultimate incompetence (- and I know at this point there are several very smart people shaking their heads at me and saying that I have "learned helplessness syndrome" - by all means make your case, for I too often sin against freedom; but do finish reading first -) does not make our heart go away. Our heart itself is part of "reality," which is the most curious of situations we could have in the whole appearance/reality debate. And so we are left hanging. If what we perceive is all there is, we are doomed to despair. But if what we imagine is not real, hollow, or unsatisfactory, we are also doomed to despair. Catch-22?
3) Is there more than what we perceive?
Is the fulfillment of the dream-causing desires present in what is real?
Can we stop dreaming?
Why dream?
4) So I am sorry if I've set myself up too smoothly for my hypothesis; I need to work on being more circumspect, because I often miss things. Therefore please send in your comments! Anyway, so in answer to these questions:
I currently think that the answer to the first question is yes on two levels. For one, we are always growing in what we perceive as we mature through life. Anyone who has ever taken a science course will agree that there is more to our daily experience than is immediately apparent to a babe. Those who have taken organic chemistry will agree even more heartily. Therefore, it is reasonable to suggest that perhaps the answer to our desire actually is here "in reality," but our perception is just too limited to comprehend it. I think that we live smothered by Mystery, where there is so much meaning, so much goodness, so much beauty that we miss it for the smallness of our eyes and brain. Our heart remotely senses it, though, but only in a confused sort of way. And on the second level, yes there is more than even the limits of what is knowable by limited human empiricism and even magnificent reasoning. Hence, the afterlife and immortality. But even before these, I think this 'being left hanging' suggests a transcendent world that is really real. I think that this transcendent world, the home of Infinite Mystery, is also imminent. Hence we are smothered by even more Mystery. But lets not rule out life on another planet because our telescopes are too small.
If there exists an infinite, transcendent Answer that is imminent in what we experience as reality, than yes, to some degree, we can have fulfillment here. But the "reality" is not what ultimately satisfies us; only that which is "really real" and tied to our reality is what fully satisfies us. And in my experience, such satisfaction is extremely temporary here. Such short-livedness is to be expect from an Answer that isn't itself a shackled member of the space-time continuum. Rather, the space time continuum touches the Answer, springs from the Answer. Anyway now I'm getting too metaphysical. Hume would have my butt.
We can only stop dreaming if we become intimately one with what we desire, if we have a regular relationship with the Answer. Because of our individual forgetful hearts, I think that this is only possible in a context of a community that all recognize a common Answer (i.e. God). Someone might suggest despair as an end to dreaming; but I say that even the one who despairs dreams of fulfillment in accepting not being fulfilled (for this is indeed not a possible reality), or else (God forbid) dreams of the end in suicide.
Why dream, then? We dream because our hearts need something great. We should continue to dream because it excites us to positive action and helpful application of our freedom. But as we do so we should remember that such dreams are quite likely fairly distant from reality, and at times may be doing more harm than good (though they say God brings good from evil!). Some dreams might be downright impossible and lead to tragic ends (see Dead Poet's Society). Dreams, the outcome of our natural hope, can easily become tragic when divorced from truth. That is why we should have a nobler reason for dreaming and dealing with dreams. It would be to our advantage if we saw in our dreams our own hearts, so that we might recognize any Answer to those hearts that does not come from our own imagination, but from Something that we cannot deny is true. That is, we have to dream; and we should be conscious of these dreams so that when the Mystery that presently smothers us offers us its benevolent Answer, in a Form that we cannot deny, we will welcome It as the true Sibling to our desiring hearts.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Why watch a movie with friends?
It's that weekend when your brain is too fried to read your ethics homework, and your body is too tired to go out for all the riotous parties. Your pieces have been scattered to the winds over the week as you have relentlessly pursued competing claims for your happiness. The disunity of your week's experience has left you so fragmented that you don't even know what you want out of the night.... Then your buddie interrupts your blank stare (as you realize there is a facebook screen in front of you) and announces that some of the guys are watching a movie downstairs. What do you do?
1) Such a condition of fragmentation and overextension intrudes into my life often, but that was merely a starting point for what I'm focusing on. (I will treat the condition at a later date, probably in a post called "Why look for meaning in life?" I suspect my hypothesis will included something along the lines of self-preservation...). Last week, a few of the guys in my dorm offered to watch a movie. Being unable to do anything else do to my condition and liking the people (and being honored by the invitation), I decided to go. During the movie I analyzed away as usual. Some of the others, remarkably, did some homework during the movie. Immediately afterwards, as usual, everyone was about to pack up and go their different ways (to bed, to work, out, etc). I tried to start up a conversation to gather people's thoughts and judgments on the movie, hoping to learn from them. While I was very tired and so I couldn't generate as much thought power as I would have liked, we had a decent conversation, and then left each other (I later thought of much more I could have said).
I bring this (seemingly trivial) event up because it bothers me when a group of people (especially friends) just get together, watch a movie, and then immediately afterwards act as if we didn't just spend 2.5 hours digitally injesting a work of art (not to mention people who multi-task during movies). In my experience, we always leave immediately afterward or quickly shift back to talking about nothing. I think that this tendancy does not bode well for the value of the movie. Its as if the 2.5 hours of video has no possible significance for our lives; it becomes reduced to a mere distraction. Why, then, do people watch movies together? Is this reason or value worth investing time in?
2) I think that college kids generally watch moveis for companionship and subdued fun. Its a relaxing change-up to the fast balls of "normal" weekends that are over before they begin. Others might see a movie as quality time together. Significant others who watch a movie together might have additional motives, such as a desire for intimacy or cuddling.
Now all of these things are good things, and perhaps they add up to more than the "mere distraction" that I mentioned earlier. But for me, with all my heart's desire, I am not satisfied with an aimless companionship or meaningless fun, and I don't find rest in watching something with no relevance. In the case of intimacy or cuddling, the movie element seems superfluous. What I judge to be lacking is the meaning and shared judgment of that meaning. "We had the experience but missed the meaning" (T.S. Eliot, Dry Salvages). For me, if I am to continue doing something, it is very urgent to find the reason for why I am doing it and in what ways it contributes to the overall happiness of my life. I do not make 2.5 hour exceptions to distract myself. But perhaps I should...
3) I have already implicitly asked and posited hypothesises (somewhat out of sequence) on this topic. But here are some more interesting questions.
Is it good to expect this shared judgment of meaning from such an experience, or am I trying to hard? In other words, is distraction ever good?
What is the point of watching with others?
How can I find something for me in the movie and the experience of watching it with others?
Is it worth it?
4) Ok, so some few more quick comments in the way of further hypothesis (I feel I have not adequately asked the question in this post, but rather have just dictated my ideas. Please offer your ideas as well).
I think it is never bad to look for meaning from life experience, for I think meaning the anecdote to the condition of fragmentation discussed at the top of this post. That is, perceiving the meaning ties several isolated events into a quilt that is a vital comfort when life's dark winters set in. If meaning is objective and common to all, then it makes sense to share judgment on it. Some might say that there are some events too trivial to find meaning in, or else that the level of meaning most be understood to be proportional to the thing involved. I would like to hear this case better-- I see the benefit of such an idea being that I wouldn't trip over trifles. But the downside seems a severing of potential. It seems to me that the smallest things can be analogies, an up ("ana") word ("logos") pointing me to the Meaning of life. How can perceiving such Beauty in the small things obscure my view of reality (as some assert)? Isn't there a transcendent Order that is "really real," even more real than what we see?
The whole point of a companionship with others seems to be to point each others towards something good in caring for each others destinies. Is it a companionship if we don't talk about meaningful things? Isn't the duty of a companionship to help each other see the value of what we do together? Note: this is in no way shots against my friends, who often do talk about meaningful things, who are way smarter than me, and who probably think during movies but aren't accustomed to sharing their opinions as much.
I don't really have time now to address further that question of how to find something for me in the movie. Suffice it to say that I have been shown a great many themes that connect with my life and happiness, and it is now rather easy to find such things (although some would argue that its too easy, and I misread things).
Of course I think it worth it. I love movies. I hope you all join me in seeing them as holding serious proposals for truth and happiness.
1) Such a condition of fragmentation and overextension intrudes into my life often, but that was merely a starting point for what I'm focusing on. (I will treat the condition at a later date, probably in a post called "Why look for meaning in life?" I suspect my hypothesis will included something along the lines of self-preservation...). Last week, a few of the guys in my dorm offered to watch a movie. Being unable to do anything else do to my condition and liking the people (and being honored by the invitation), I decided to go. During the movie I analyzed away as usual. Some of the others, remarkably, did some homework during the movie. Immediately afterwards, as usual, everyone was about to pack up and go their different ways (to bed, to work, out, etc). I tried to start up a conversation to gather people's thoughts and judgments on the movie, hoping to learn from them. While I was very tired and so I couldn't generate as much thought power as I would have liked, we had a decent conversation, and then left each other (I later thought of much more I could have said).
I bring this (seemingly trivial) event up because it bothers me when a group of people (especially friends) just get together, watch a movie, and then immediately afterwards act as if we didn't just spend 2.5 hours digitally injesting a work of art (not to mention people who multi-task during movies). In my experience, we always leave immediately afterward or quickly shift back to talking about nothing. I think that this tendancy does not bode well for the value of the movie. Its as if the 2.5 hours of video has no possible significance for our lives; it becomes reduced to a mere distraction. Why, then, do people watch movies together? Is this reason or value worth investing time in?
2) I think that college kids generally watch moveis for companionship and subdued fun. Its a relaxing change-up to the fast balls of "normal" weekends that are over before they begin. Others might see a movie as quality time together. Significant others who watch a movie together might have additional motives, such as a desire for intimacy or cuddling.
Now all of these things are good things, and perhaps they add up to more than the "mere distraction" that I mentioned earlier. But for me, with all my heart's desire, I am not satisfied with an aimless companionship or meaningless fun, and I don't find rest in watching something with no relevance. In the case of intimacy or cuddling, the movie element seems superfluous. What I judge to be lacking is the meaning and shared judgment of that meaning. "We had the experience but missed the meaning" (T.S. Eliot, Dry Salvages). For me, if I am to continue doing something, it is very urgent to find the reason for why I am doing it and in what ways it contributes to the overall happiness of my life. I do not make 2.5 hour exceptions to distract myself. But perhaps I should...
3) I have already implicitly asked and posited hypothesises (somewhat out of sequence) on this topic. But here are some more interesting questions.
Is it good to expect this shared judgment of meaning from such an experience, or am I trying to hard? In other words, is distraction ever good?
What is the point of watching with others?
How can I find something for me in the movie and the experience of watching it with others?
Is it worth it?
4) Ok, so some few more quick comments in the way of further hypothesis (I feel I have not adequately asked the question in this post, but rather have just dictated my ideas. Please offer your ideas as well).
I think it is never bad to look for meaning from life experience, for I think meaning the anecdote to the condition of fragmentation discussed at the top of this post. That is, perceiving the meaning ties several isolated events into a quilt that is a vital comfort when life's dark winters set in. If meaning is objective and common to all, then it makes sense to share judgment on it. Some might say that there are some events too trivial to find meaning in, or else that the level of meaning most be understood to be proportional to the thing involved. I would like to hear this case better-- I see the benefit of such an idea being that I wouldn't trip over trifles. But the downside seems a severing of potential. It seems to me that the smallest things can be analogies, an up ("ana") word ("logos") pointing me to the Meaning of life. How can perceiving such Beauty in the small things obscure my view of reality (as some assert)? Isn't there a transcendent Order that is "really real," even more real than what we see?
The whole point of a companionship with others seems to be to point each others towards something good in caring for each others destinies. Is it a companionship if we don't talk about meaningful things? Isn't the duty of a companionship to help each other see the value of what we do together? Note: this is in no way shots against my friends, who often do talk about meaningful things, who are way smarter than me, and who probably think during movies but aren't accustomed to sharing their opinions as much.
I don't really have time now to address further that question of how to find something for me in the movie. Suffice it to say that I have been shown a great many themes that connect with my life and happiness, and it is now rather easy to find such things (although some would argue that its too easy, and I misread things).
Of course I think it worth it. I love movies. I hope you all join me in seeing them as holding serious proposals for truth and happiness.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Why study?
Dear non-existent readers, I apologize for the extended hiatus in blogging, even as my blog is a fledgling. I guess my engine died before my plane took off.
I have decided to add a 4th point to my blogs: 4) My "answer," or working hypothesis to the question I raise. It is insane to be in front of life without a hypothesis. Please offer corrections or scathing castigations of my hypothesises.
So, here goes nothing (for that is what this blog sometimes seems).
1) Before this semester, I have never before had to worry about motivation for studying, for two reasons. Number 1 is that I always fought personal demons of perfectionism. If someone took a poll of my subconscious in high school, it would be unanimous victory for "be all you can be" or "actualize all your potential" or something similar. I wasn't motivated by competition with others, but rather a sort of internal conviction that hell, I could get straight As, so why settle for less? Number 2 is that I have always been interested in everything I have studied, more or less. I think the only subject that I really found completely boring was Economics.
But nowadays things are changing. For the first time in my life, it seems heroically worthless to finish homework. I cannot stick to my schedules, and work is actually work. Not that classes weren't hard before-- now I just lack the motivation.
2) Something is obviously wrong. My heart rebels against the slothy indifference that follows in wake of disillusionment with study.
It is a problem of interest. I am unable to study something uninteresting. Ostensibly I say that everything is interesting, but my heart and my actions tell otherwise. Too little moves me in reality. Even when I know my purpose for studying, my why, this why is useless motivation-wise if it lacks any existential correspondence to desire. I cannot study because I do not know what moves me.
3) The relavent questions then are these:
What real desires do I have that possibly correspond to study?
What purpose for study corresponds to my real desire?
In other words, how does studying make me happy?
How can I remind myself of the answers to the above on a daily basis, so that life is not reduced to anticipation of future happiness?
4) Since I am still in school, I must muster a response, a working hypothesis.
I think that any of the deepest, most original desires of my heart have the potential to correspond to my study. The hard part is avoiding theoretical abstractions of my desire to focus on experientially verified desires (real ones). Here are some: my desire to love, for love, for happiness, for honesty, for the extraordinary, for freedom, for a full and true life.
It seems that one purpose for study could be to clarify these original desires. This works with humanistic studies that show "what it means to be human," or what it means to be myself. Then the purpose becomes a sort of searching for what truly fulfills these desires. From my own life thusfar, it seems that only an Infinite Answer fulfills these infinite desires, but the Answer must be incarnate and real in my life, which seems complicated, though not impossible. Furthermore, the Answer must meet me, because I don't know what the hell I am doing, basically. I am still learning how the Answer meets me concretely in my life, but I suspect it has to do with community. For in a community based on God (might as well name Him), I can hopefully love, be loved, be happy, be honest with others/myself, experience the extradordinary, be free, and truly live. If I have already discovered by being educated that the Answer resides in a community based on God, then why do I still study? Perhaps to perfect my knowledge of how I can pursue the fulfillment of these desires. For example, further study can help me know how to love others better, or it can develop my understanding of what it means to be honest or to be free (or how to be honest or free). I study to be able to better serve the community, where the Answer to my desires is. If my desires are ever realized, then I suppose it would be time to stop studying and start teaching.
Studying makes me happy by articulating the core of my humanness with all its desire, disposing me to the Answer that must meet me concretely, probably through a community based on God. Studying furthers my happiness by perfecting my service to this community (or to a larger community) and my understanding of how I can best live my life so as to be happy.
The last question is the toughest, because it pressupposes all the others and because it is intimately tied up in motivation, which demands tangible motivation each day. How do I know every day that studying can make me happy? I must go to the source--my person and my desire. I must continually remind myself of who I am by doing real things, having real experiences that provoke my desire and paint a portait of my identity. I only know who I am by watching myself in action, and if I don't act who am I? Learning must start with experience because experience engages my "I," my person with all its desires. So I can only stay motivated if I embrace every moment of life with a vivacious search for every nook and cranny of my humanness.
Note: I have not adressed the whole study for job criterion because I think it inadequate. If someone wants to make a case for it, please do. I could probably buy some of it if it invovled something about providing for a family...
I have decided to add a 4th point to my blogs: 4) My "answer," or working hypothesis to the question I raise. It is insane to be in front of life without a hypothesis. Please offer corrections or scathing castigations of my hypothesises.
So, here goes nothing (for that is what this blog sometimes seems).
1) Before this semester, I have never before had to worry about motivation for studying, for two reasons. Number 1 is that I always fought personal demons of perfectionism. If someone took a poll of my subconscious in high school, it would be unanimous victory for "be all you can be" or "actualize all your potential" or something similar. I wasn't motivated by competition with others, but rather a sort of internal conviction that hell, I could get straight As, so why settle for less? Number 2 is that I have always been interested in everything I have studied, more or less. I think the only subject that I really found completely boring was Economics.
But nowadays things are changing. For the first time in my life, it seems heroically worthless to finish homework. I cannot stick to my schedules, and work is actually work. Not that classes weren't hard before-- now I just lack the motivation.
2) Something is obviously wrong. My heart rebels against the slothy indifference that follows in wake of disillusionment with study.
It is a problem of interest. I am unable to study something uninteresting. Ostensibly I say that everything is interesting, but my heart and my actions tell otherwise. Too little moves me in reality. Even when I know my purpose for studying, my why, this why is useless motivation-wise if it lacks any existential correspondence to desire. I cannot study because I do not know what moves me.
3) The relavent questions then are these:
What real desires do I have that possibly correspond to study?
What purpose for study corresponds to my real desire?
In other words, how does studying make me happy?
How can I remind myself of the answers to the above on a daily basis, so that life is not reduced to anticipation of future happiness?
4) Since I am still in school, I must muster a response, a working hypothesis.
I think that any of the deepest, most original desires of my heart have the potential to correspond to my study. The hard part is avoiding theoretical abstractions of my desire to focus on experientially verified desires (real ones). Here are some: my desire to love, for love, for happiness, for honesty, for the extraordinary, for freedom, for a full and true life.
It seems that one purpose for study could be to clarify these original desires. This works with humanistic studies that show "what it means to be human," or what it means to be myself. Then the purpose becomes a sort of searching for what truly fulfills these desires. From my own life thusfar, it seems that only an Infinite Answer fulfills these infinite desires, but the Answer must be incarnate and real in my life, which seems complicated, though not impossible. Furthermore, the Answer must meet me, because I don't know what the hell I am doing, basically. I am still learning how the Answer meets me concretely in my life, but I suspect it has to do with community. For in a community based on God (might as well name Him), I can hopefully love, be loved, be happy, be honest with others/myself, experience the extradordinary, be free, and truly live. If I have already discovered by being educated that the Answer resides in a community based on God, then why do I still study? Perhaps to perfect my knowledge of how I can pursue the fulfillment of these desires. For example, further study can help me know how to love others better, or it can develop my understanding of what it means to be honest or to be free (or how to be honest or free). I study to be able to better serve the community, where the Answer to my desires is. If my desires are ever realized, then I suppose it would be time to stop studying and start teaching.
Studying makes me happy by articulating the core of my humanness with all its desire, disposing me to the Answer that must meet me concretely, probably through a community based on God. Studying furthers my happiness by perfecting my service to this community (or to a larger community) and my understanding of how I can best live my life so as to be happy.
The last question is the toughest, because it pressupposes all the others and because it is intimately tied up in motivation, which demands tangible motivation each day. How do I know every day that studying can make me happy? I must go to the source--my person and my desire. I must continually remind myself of who I am by doing real things, having real experiences that provoke my desire and paint a portait of my identity. I only know who I am by watching myself in action, and if I don't act who am I? Learning must start with experience because experience engages my "I," my person with all its desires. So I can only stay motivated if I embrace every moment of life with a vivacious search for every nook and cranny of my humanness.
Note: I have not adressed the whole study for job criterion because I think it inadequate. If someone wants to make a case for it, please do. I could probably buy some of it if it invovled something about providing for a family...
Friday, September 26, 2008
Why read this blog?
This blog was created because the speed of student life suffocates thought. This blog aims to be a space where those experiences which impact my consciousness can be combed for coherent meaning and shared for discussion with any readers who also recognize that life is running off them like water off a duck's back. This blog is a place to stop and look at the scenery and ask, why is it so beautiful? Or, why does it make me want to run away? In the long run, I hope to begin building an understand of reality that cooperates with everything else we learn as students.
My method will be simple. I will do the following:
1) Present a brief experience which has a shot at being meaningful (which, in my mind, is every experience). The experiences may be anecdotal of a particular event (the likely majority), or they may be experiences via literature, music, etc.
2) Evaluate it, using the raw material of my human heart and what I have judged to be true thusfar, while being open to re-evaluation and trying to be as reasonable as possible.
3)Ask what I see as the relevant questions with an invitation for response from any reader.
I hope that this project turns out to be useful in the hands of that student desiring to take his or her life seriously, trying seriously to be happy. By seriously I mean that it matters where we are going, why we live, and what we do every moment of every day. I certainly do not mean without desire! Stay tuned for future installments.
My method will be simple. I will do the following:
1) Present a brief experience which has a shot at being meaningful (which, in my mind, is every experience). The experiences may be anecdotal of a particular event (the likely majority), or they may be experiences via literature, music, etc.
2) Evaluate it, using the raw material of my human heart and what I have judged to be true thusfar, while being open to re-evaluation and trying to be as reasonable as possible.
3)Ask what I see as the relevant questions with an invitation for response from any reader.
I hope that this project turns out to be useful in the hands of that student desiring to take his or her life seriously, trying seriously to be happy. By seriously I mean that it matters where we are going, why we live, and what we do every moment of every day. I certainly do not mean without desire! Stay tuned for future installments.
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